I’m a Chaotic Beauty Editor Who’s Kind of Bad at Beauty—These Are the Products That Actually Work for Me

Hot mess, indeed.

As my best friend lovingly put it in her wedding speech, I bring a very specific brand of chaos everywhere I go. I’m the girl who shows up 15 minutes late with a dramatic (but true!) story about why, who always has some kind of stain on her shirt (and definitely doesn’t own an iron), and who never knows where her driver’s license—or credit card, or keys—currently are. I’ve been called Hurricane Zoë more times than I can count, and I tend to leave behind a trail of breadcrumbs wherever I go: picked-off gel polish, crumpled receipts, and, for reasons I can’t explain, a lot of random shoes.

Blame my ADHD, my endless impatient energy, or what TikTok has informed me is a “type B personality,” but I am a hot mess at all hours of the day and night… and that vibe very much bleeds into my beauty routine.

After a decade working in beauty, I’ve interviewed top dermatologists, tested more serums than any single face should ever be exposed to, and could probably write a dissertation on the ideal lip balm texture. But when it comes to actually executing the things I’ve spent my career learning about, I’m a full-blown walking disaster.

I regularly forget to blend my foundation down to my neck, wear deodorant streaks like accessories, and any time I try to wear red lipstick, I wind up looking like The Joker.

I’ve never figured out liquid liner—let alone mastered a cat eye—and I still don’t really know how to use an eyelash curler. A few weeks ago, one of my fake lashes fell into my pasta in the middle of dinner.

Me + self-tanner is a guaranteed recipe for orange streaks. And there was a solid ten-year stretch where I just… didn’t straighten the back of my hair, assuming no one would notice. (They did.)

Painting my own nails? Absolutely not. I can’t even keep a full set of press-ons intact for an entire night out—I’m usually down to six or seven by dessert. Once, in a moment of desperation, I tried to superglue one back on. Do not try this at home.

I’ve burned my face with a curling iron more than once, and covered the wound with concealer so it wouldn’t interfere with my plans. I’ve also been known to go entire seasons without brushing my hair. In high school, my ex-boyfriend’s mom had to sit me down and detangle my salt-matted strands like I was a Victorian orphan (weirdly, the same thing happened again in my 20s).

Basically, I’m a beauty editor who’s inherently pretty bad at beauty. And while you might think that’d make me hate it, weirdly, it’s done the opposite.

My routine may be chaotic and wholly imperfect, but it’s mine—smudges, streaks, skipped steps and all. And while I may never master a cat eye or keep a full set of press-ons intact past cocktail hour, the process of getting glammed still grounds me. It helps me feel like I have my shit together, even when I very much do not.

Over the years, I’ve figured out how to work with my chaos instead of against it. I’ve found shortcuts, products, and rituals that meet me exactly where I am—overwhelmed, under-shampooed, and running late—and help me show up in the world looking at least slightly less messy than I feel.

So, in the spirit of full transparency, here’s my Chaos Survival Kit—AKA the beauty products that keep me together when my life is anything but.

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To Pretend You’re Clean When You’re Feeling Lazy

1. A Dry Shampoo That Actually Works: IGK First Class Charcoal Detox Dry Shampoo

I can’t be bothered to wash my hair more than twice a week, and this stuff keeps me looking fresh well into day four.

Pro tip: spray it on your scalp at night so it can absorb oil while you sleep. But if you forget (hi, it’s me), just make sure to hold the can about 10 inches from your head and brush it through to avoid any ghostly white patches.

Want the rest of my kit? Become a paid subscriber to unlock all the products I rely on when my life is falling apart and I still need to show up looking semi-human.